I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone!

I went home for Christmas with all these expectations. I felt like I was changed and I wanted everyone to see the difference. I tried to make all the gifts I was giving thoughtful and encouraging. I was scared, but I felt like God was directing me and whether I was comfortable or not, I had to obey. I did most of the time, but my faith was continually tested because I kept thinking “I hope I don’t offend anyone”. I had to remind myself “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.” Romans 1:16 and “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7

But there was a time that I felt like the entire trip was a failure. I was my old self - but even worse. I felt like I had sprinted into temptation and the discouragement stayed with me for days. I knew that it was wrong. I knew I didn’t have to do it, but I just did it anyway. That’s why I am so upset by it because I know that God always makes a way for escape but I didn’t see it or if I did, even worse I ignored it!

Ever since I’ve been home I allowed the discouragement to be my primary emotion. All the while asking God why is this happening? Why do I feel like You are so far from me?

There have been a couple things that have happened to help me understand and bring perspective.

I know because I am changed, I am being attacked more relentlessly then ever. Satan is grasping at straws because he is losing his grip but I still show signs of weakness. I know that when the Holy Spirit speaks to me and I don’t listen that is going to pull me further from God, further from peace.

I almost didn’t go to church last Sunday because I wasn’t in a place where I thought I could go. But I was thankfully encouraged to go, so we went. It was a perfect surprise because it was NOT what I expected but EVERYTHING that I need. Isn’t it amazingly flawless how God work’s. Then today I got a call from someone who needed some encouragement and by me searching the bible to encourage her, I found what I needed.

1 Pet 4:12-13
12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed
when his glory is revealed.

And……

2 Cor 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It’s so important to have family (brothers and sisters) in Christ. I’ve always done things on my own and still do at times, but I’ve been encouraged. It’s essential to spend time daily with God and spend time with people in your life that encourage you.

I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone! I pray that 2008 will be full of testing, growth and wisdom.

1 John 5:2-4
2This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

God has plans - Great Plans!

Guilt is such a hard thing to get away from. When I do something wrong or act in a way that people around me would be shocked to hear I am a Christian, I feel guilt and sadness. And sometimes let it get the better of me.

I sometimes feel guilty because I was raised in a “Christian Family”. I went to church regularly from birth until I was eighteen. I went on numerous mission trips to Mexico and even Bermuda. I should know better then to do things I have done and continue to do. I have to accept that I am a sinner and not hold myself to this unrealistic expectation that I have had, thinking I came from something that held me to a higher standard and always feeling like a failure. Because I felt like that, I allowed myself to be a failure.

I know I must QUICKLY turn God and admit my sin so it will not get in the way of our relationship. I know the more I do it the stronger our relationship gets and the less I am inclined to sin because I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong I will always sin, but the key is, to keep a close relationship with God and always listen.

God has plans, great plans! I am grateful that I know God and want my family and friends to know what I know. Some people I am confident have a living relationship with God, some people I see coming around and some I don’t know about and they are always on my mind.

I have had so much on my mind as far as what my witness. I was listening to a sermon the other day on the Bema Seat and have become very convicted but find that I am still trying to balance myself between God’s will and my obedience and what is acceptable by the worlds standards and people around me.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

At times I even felt jipped

Meaning is very important to me. If I can’t find meaning in things they become unimportant to me. This can sometimes make me seem mean or cold because someone else might find something meaningful and I don’t so I dismiss it as unimportant. I am working on that.

I went to a women’s retreat in 2002 and all of the women were given a bookmark with a verse on it. We were told that there was a group of women that had been praying for each of us individually and each of us got our own verse. This was something that made me feel very special I felt like I was getting something direct from God and that was something I always longed for but rarely if ever felt like I got.

My verse is Colossians 1:9-11. I read it over the years but didn’t really feel like it was for me. At times I even felt jipped. First off, it should have been verse 9-12, verse 11 just cut’s off in the middle and if it was from God he would have surely given me verse 12, and secondly I really felt like it could have been for anyone, it seemed kind of generic.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

Well, it only took me five years to finally get it. This wasn’t a block of text that was supposed to change my life, this was my starting place! I was given the beginning of the chapter and I never took the next step to keep reading the whole chapter and eventually the entire book. I read it a couple weeks ago and only took about 15 minutes. What followed was God speaking directly to me…again ;) At a time in my life when I’m really struggling between my life that I created which basically sucks and the life that God is trying to give me which is potentially amazing, I stumble upon “Rules for Holy Living” in chapter 3. Argggg…..sometimes I am so frustrated with myself.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Col 3:1-4

How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?

I feel like I should write something at least once a week. I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I feel like I can't express coherent thoughts. My mind is scattered and unfocused. I am so sick of the "I feel like" statement.

What's on my mind….I need to exercise, Christmas is practically tomorrow, I need to shop, I need to clean my house, my garage is a mess, why do I feel joyless, why can't I get out of my head, perfectionism, apologetics, how to incorporate it, how to build up my confidence to share, philosophy, feeling unintelligent, I need direction in my personal bible study, my job, running list of things to do, why can't I remember things, why do I feel so separate from everyone, Is that right or wrong, who am I, am I obsessing to much?

BBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm tired and I haven't even moved!

Ok so I took a break and searched through gotquestions.org, this is what I found. (It’s kind of long)

Question: "How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?"

Answer: I commend you for being sensitive to the Lord and wanting to please Him. The first thing you need to do is pray and tell the Lord that you hear what He's saying in John 16:33, which is where Jesus says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." Then, ask the Lord to show you how He has "overcome" your problems, your worries, your anger, and your guilt.The Lord will reveal to you through His Word, the Bible, that you can be of good "cheer" that 1) you can rejoice in your "problems" because God's Word says in Romans 5:3-4, "knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." And 2) you can see your "worries" as an opportunity to practice Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." 3) you can counteract your "anger" by obeying Ephesians 4:32, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.", and 4) you can deal with your "guilty" feelings by simply believing in the truth of 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." All of your problems, worries, anger, and guilt can be dealt with through simple faith in God's Word.God is bigger than all these
things put together and you must realize that if you are to have any victory in your life. Everyone suffers with these difficulties, because the Bible teaches that temptation is "common" to mankind (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that all your problems are your fault, all your worries will come true, all your anger condemns you, or that all your guilt is from God. If you do sin and confess your sin, God forgives and cleanses. You need not feel ashamed. Take God at His Word that He does forgive and cleanse. None of your sins are so heavy that God cannot lift them from you and throw them into the deepest sea (see Psalm 103:11-12).In reality, feelings come from thoughts, so, even though you can't change how you feel, you can change how you think. And this is what God wants you to do. For example, in Philippians 2:5, Christians are told, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." In Philippians 4:8, Christians are told to think on "things" that are "true", "noble", "just", "pure", "lovely", "of good report", and "praiseworthy" In Colossians 3:2, Christians are told to "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Therefore, as you do this, your feelings of guilt diminish. So, each day, pray for God's Word to guide you, read or listen to God's Word, and meditate on God's Word when the problems, worries, and anxieties of life come along.The secret to giving things over to Christ is really no secret at all - it's simply allowing Jesus "once-in-your-life" to take your burden of "original sin" (See John 3:16) and be your Savior - as well as allowing Jesus "during-your-Christian-life" to take your burdens of "occasional sin" and be your Lord. See 1 Peter 5:7, "...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." May the Lord bless you with His peace!

I’m trying so hard to change how I think about things, my brain is strained. I need to take some time to relax, slow down my thoughts and meditate on all those verse.

On a side note ;) Patty and me are going roller skating when her knees gets better, hopefully soon. I'm SUPER excited about that! I know it’s silly, but it will be fun fun fun!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Fasting – Day 2 Completed

The fast ended last night. It was a total of 48 hours. It’s interesting to see the dynamic between my flesh and my spirit. I’m stuck between feeling like I failed and feeling like it was a success. It definitely was a learning experience.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

Fasting – Day 1 Completed

Matthew 6:16-18 talks about fasting and keeping it to your self. I think about this and wonder, is it wrong for me to talk about my experience? I feel peace with it because I am not saying “Woes is me, I am fasting, I’m starving and wasting away”. I just want to share and maybe encourage.

I bought a juicer and had three glasses of fresh juice & about three liters of water. It was a tough day. I had pretty much decided last night that I would be eating today. I resigned myself to the fact that this was way harder then I expected. I told myself this was just a practice run. I will try again next week or next month.

When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good, Kevin and I took a nice long walk and decided to persevere. Right now one day doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like if I quit now I would be missing something, the experience wouldn’t be complete.

It’s a strange thing to deny the flesh especially when most decisions have been driven by fleshly desires. I have found in not eating that I am presented with this empty feeling not just in my belly but emotionally. I see with more clarity the abundance of distractions that I am presented with on a daily basis. I was given some good advice by my Aunt Donna, "don't be unaware of satan's tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11). When we can step back and recognize it as satan's attack, it helps us to name it and let it go, asking for protection and help from the LORD. Then we can focus again on the main thing.”

That has really helped me with those empty emotional periods because that is when I am so vulnerable to attack.

I’m not sure if I will make it all three days but I feel clearer and increasingly less broken

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:7-8

This is a good web site for fasting info: http://www.freedomyou.com/

Fasting

I will begin my first fast 11/23/07.

I plan to do a 3 day water fast, but I may throw in some juice. Kevin had planned to do it for himself so we have decided to do it together. NICE!

What I expect to get out of it:

Increased Self Control
A Detoxified Body
A Conversation with God

I know I’m expecting a lot, but that’s how I roll :)

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

While I was writing tonight after class, I realized I should stop and go to Kevin’s game. I forgot that it was Monday night. When I realized it, I wanted to turn and run. I was not comfortable.
I decided to talk to people so I didn’t feel like such an outsider. Then people started talking to me and I felt like I was a part of the “in-crowd”. Then I realized…….it was ALL so SILLY. Then I felt confident because of who I was and what I stood for. I’m home now and feel even better :)

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away!

I have a rule that every blog entry has to end in a verse. I have something that is either on my mind or comes to me while I’m blogging then I do a search on biblegateway.com
I scroll through and pick which ever verse seems appropriate.

On the 3rd in my blogging I felt very discouraged about my relationship with god and even expressed some anger.

On the 7th I didn’t know what to write and I just kept thinking…..I need to really trust God or I will never feel satisfied with our relationship. So I searched biblegateway for “trust” and the verse god gave me was Psalms 32:10.

On the 10th my discouraged feelings were still there and getting worse, turning into anxiety. But I still didn’t give in trust God. I blogged again and when I searched biblegateway, this time it was for “mule” because I was being so stubborn. The verse God gave me was Psalms 32:9.

What the heck! I noticed that it was the verse right before the one in my last entry. Is God trying to tell me something?

Ok you’re not going to believe this, but I still pushed it off.

Last night I was so down, I checked out! I was supposed to go to my apologetic class and didn’t. I just didn’t want to interact with anyone. I kept feeling this nagging and decided I need to read the whole chapter of Psalms 32.

Holy Crap! It was God talking to ME, especially verses 3-5.

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah 6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. 7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah 8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. 9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. 10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. 11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

I’m definitely feeling better because I see now that what I have been feeling is “his hand HEAVY on me” and “my strength sapped”. I have a long way to go but I trust without doubt now. Now I’m starting to feel pride that I am In the middle of this spiritual battle because it means I am valuable. I’m grateful for all who have been and are praying for me.

I can be so hard headed. I think I'm gonna hang out it the Psalms for awhile.

The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic.
Psalm 29:4

I'm just being a mule about it

I’ve been thinking a lot about how honest is too honest, or is there even such a thing as too honest. What types of things are good to share and what you should keep to yourself or between you and another person, or just between you and God.

In our society the ideas of - Be whoever you are, Do whatever you want, There is no right or wrong and Anything is acceptable - are so prevalent.

Things get very cloudy even when I think they are clear. Because of choices I make, sometimes I am vulnerable to delusions, misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Lately I'm aware I’ve been trying to rationalize my choices. I think because over the long term rationalized choices become habits which are much harder to change, so it’s easier to continue to rationalize.

I read this on http://www.gotquestions.org/ and found it to be very insightful.

Sometimes a good test for whether something is a sin or not is whether you would be proud to tell others what you had just done. If it is something you would be embarrassed or ashamed about if others found out, it is very likely that it is a sin. Another good test is to determine whether we can honestly, in good conscience, ask God to bless and use the particular activity for His own good purposes.

I must always use God as my guide and the bible as my instruction manual. I think that God HAS BEEN speaking and I haven’t been listening. God IS working in my life to change me. I'm just being a mule about it.

My Aunt Lisa sent me a link to an article about spending ½ day with god every month it’s really interesting, actually the whole site is interesting.
– check it: http://startingwithgod.com/articles/halfday.htm

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
Psalm 32:9

Yeah, I don’t have anything else to say.

I fee like I should write something but I don’t really have anything to say.

I did get some super encouraging words a couple days ago that have increased my faith and inspired me.

Yeah, I don’t have anything else to say.

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
Psalm 32:10

Am I emotionally unavailable to God?

I've recently heard more people talk about this supernatural connection they feel to God. Something miraculous happens and it changes their life forever.

What about the people that don’t experience anything like that, why don’t I feel that? In my apologetic class last Monday night the teacher told a story about his cousin who was living in sadness and trying to find the “thing” that would make his life complete/worthwhile. He looked everywhere, including new age spiritualism, buddhism, even heroin but he finally came to the realization that Jesus Christ was the answer and miraculously he was done with heroin and began evangelizing. The teacher said it was because his cousin broke down and opened himself up to God emotionally.

Am I emotionally unavailable to God? I thought I was trusting him, but lately I think I’ve just been telling myself that and really holding everything in my control. I want to “let go and let god” as they say but I’m finding it difficult. I sometimes feel angry that I am in the middle of this spiritual battle. I keep thinking, I really wish I could find someone who has been where I am and can help lead me, but every time I get that thought I hear the holy spirit tell me, “that friend you are looking for is God, all you have to do is give in” - yet I still holdout. I’ve been discovering I hold out emotions to everyone, even myself.

I’m currently at a loss what to do about it.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

My Prayer

Help me keep my thoughts pure
Help me stay humble and not become proud
Give me clarity in your plan for my life
Give me a mentor I respect

Psalm 5:1-3
(1) Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. (2) Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. (3) My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

Who knows what god will do with it.

My mind has been preoccupied with ME….ugh! It shouldn’t be that way right?

I’m trying to figure out if it’s necessary, or if I’m just focusing on one thing so I don’t have to focus on something else that may be more important or too uncomfortable. Right now I am telling myself its O.K..

I’m taking a class at Church and it’s supposed to direct me to the right career based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and my spiritual gifts. So needless to say I’m doing a lot of thinking about me. Going to this class is a huge “stepping out” of my comfortable bubble. I know that it's changing me for the better. I’m just overwhelmed because there are some many things/ideas running through my head regarding what to do next or analyzing my actions based on MB-Type and then evaluating my spiritual gifts along with it and see how the two are working or not working together.

My MB-Type is INTJ (click here to take the test)

“According to Myers-Briggs, INTJs are very analytical individuals. Like INTPs, they are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. - source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ

My Top 3 Spiritual Gifts - I took the test on 3 different occasions to try to get a more truthful result, that’s why my scores are so high. You will understand if you take the test, if not just ignore that part. (click here to take the test)

62 - Server
58 - Exhorter/Encourager
58 - Leader/Administrator

I just keep trying to figure out how these 2 things work together. I feel like I shouldn’t spend this much time thinking about it because GOD already knows what it is. I just need to have faith, trust, listen and do.

I know I’ve said it before but I really do love being a vegetarian. It has become my permanent fast, something that reminds me daily to think about God’s will and whether or not I’m being a good witness. I really struggle and still sometimes forget but it’s just something that has helped me see conviction in my life and I am grateful.

I’m starting another class at church next week called apologetics.

Course description: What is apologetics and why study it? Have you ever thought about the absurdity of life without God? Learn how to defend the existence of God and the Bible through various evidences. Study what the resurrection really means to you and how to apply Christianity to today’s modern culture.

I’m pretty excited. Most people take this class to learn how to witness better. Right now I’m taking it to witness to me, but who knows what god will do with it.

6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[a]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Romans 12:6-8

Why am I a vegetarian?

It all started 04/15/07, I decided I needed to learn to exercise self control in my life because it has never been a strength of mine. I committed to 30 days of a vegan diet, no alcohol and 10 min of exercise a day. The only thing I was partially successful with was the vegan diet.

During the 30 days I started researching online what it meant to be a vegan and reasons why people are vegetarians. Webster’s states:

Vegan: A strict vegetarian who consumes no animal food or dairy products; also : one who abstains from using animal products (as leather) .

Vegetarian:
consisting wholly of vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts, and sometimes eggs or dairy products.

During my 30 days I thought I was vegan, but then realized the veggie burgers I was eating contained eggs, in addition to eating hidden eggs, I ate honey and have a leather belt and wallet. Based on the definition of Vegan, I realized that is not what I was doing.

I am Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian ( funny huh :) ). The Ovo means I eat eggs and the Lacto is dairy. I don’t eat whole eggs anymore only “Egg Beaters” or “Better‘n Eggs” which is eggs whites in a carton. I eat real cheese sometimes but usually soy cheese and only soy milk, no more cow milk. Kind of complicated, but now it seems very normal to me.

I read more and found that there are many health benefits like lower cholesterol, less chance of getting cancer and a low fat diet. And found that I have a personal conviction for how we get the meat. I know that humans and animal are not equal. I know that there is a food chain. I know that biblically eating meat is not a sin. But the manner in which most meat that's eaten is acquired is unkind, and by abstaining from meat I feel it helps me to be more thoughtful. It takes a little more time to plan because I’ve had to learn new meals to prepare but I’m finding it exciting to try new things like avocado, asparagus, mushrooms and peas. I’ve found that I love Indian food. Potato Curry is the Bomb! Becoming a vegetarian is an adventure!

The biggest question I get is a genuine concern that I’m not eating enough protein. Most ethnic foods have an abundance of vegetarian meals. The idea of being vegetarian is pretty popular everywhere except the United States. Americans are under the assumption that the only way to get protein is to eat MEAT. This is not true! There are a lot of food that are high in protein for example Lentils, Black, Kidney and Pinto Beans, Veggie burgers and Dogs, Tofu, Almonds, Peanut Butter, Brown Rice, Whole Wheat Bread, Spinach and the list goes on.

Being a vegetarian is definitely something that our body can handle. When god created Adam and Eve they were created as vegetarians so maybe it is something that will bring me closer to God.

This is my personal choice, it’s my conviction, and it fits me! I know it’s not for everyone. I am not against people eating meat I’m just against me eating meat :)

Romans 14:6
He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God

The bottom line……Vegetarian or not do so unto the Lord.

My relationship with God

I was driving home from work today and at a stop sign, I watched a eucalyptus tree’s branches sway in the wind. There has been a change in the weather. It’s gotten a little colder and noticeably darker earlier. At that moment I got a feeling of the presence of God. In my mind I envisioned him as big as the trees standing in the middle. I felt overwhelmed and sad.

I’m not totally sure why. I know I have been sad lately or maybe emotional is a better word. I think I’m being attacked by satan because my relationship with God is more real then it has ever been, combined with the fact that I haven’t been going to God as often I should recently so I am more vulnerable.

I get very discouraged sometimes. I have a colossal self esteem issue, not even feeling worthy of God’s love. Satan knows that is my weakness and had me pinned down for a long time. I’m desperately trying to get free. I know it’s not me that will release me but God, and I have moments where I recognize that to be true because I can feel and hear the Holy Spirit. Although most of the time I am still trying to do things myself, I haven’t totally let go of my perceived control.

I did have a moment last night where I said out loud to someone else. “It doesn’t come from me, it’s comes from GOD” concerning my ability to care about people more lately. Not that I don’t care for people but it’s different. It’s almost like I feel GOD’s love flowing through me. Weird! A little hard to grasp because I had almost given up on it all, I mean really given up on it! It made me feel very proud that I could proclaim God’s presence in my life out loud.

My sister sent me a verse a couple days ago that really means a lot to me (she is very smart and I love her!). The verse is I John 4:18 and I know it was from God.

13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Wow! That’s a lot to take in. Bottom Line - To truly become fearless I must become full of God’s love. I’ve got along journey ahead of me. I need to commit to spending time daily.

I still feel overwhelmed but not as sad.

TV

I got an email from my grandma the other day. It starts out…….

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.

It goes on to talk about how the newcomer became the source of all information and introduced things to the family that pushed the moral limits......and so on. It ends with….

and that friend was called TV.

The final line in the email is “If I turned the TV off for one month, I wonder what I'd replace them with?”

I must be honest I don’t like forwards and I get irritated with silly email stories but I KNOW it was sent with LOVE and the best of intentions and I must admit, I did connect with it.

It has been on my mind for a couple years and more so over the past couple of months. I would love to be rid of the TV for at least a month, in my mind I envisioned a year! I have told a couple of people that I would like to do this and they all say “just don’t watch it”. Easier said then done as TV is blended into the fibers our culture and currently my life.

My inner fear is that I will miss something, that I may not get the joke or that people will think I’m the weird one. More then that is the fear that it may create strife in my relationship because it is a difference of opinion and I fear it would keep us in separate spaces.

The thing is, I have this constant nagging. Which these days I like to affectionately call the Holy Spirit that keeps bugging me about my TV watching habits, the wrong TV, too much TV, the placement of the TV etc.

I feel embarrassed to say I am a reality TV junkie and I hate it. It is a waste of my time and steals time away from God doing something with my life. How can I be an instrument of God when I am sitting in front of the TV watching the “Real World”? I feel like YUCK when I say it out loud!

I now know that God has had a plan for me. I never took the time to pay attention and reached a point that I couldn’t even hear him at all. I’m trying my best to listen and take His advice since he loves me more then anyone! And my future existence is with Him.

Why am I so easily distracted? I need to make a change!

John 12:24-26
24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 25The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I Quit Smoking

This is from my journal, entry date 07/13/07

I quit smoking 07/05/07 Thursday @ 10:00am’ish, the morning after 4th of July. I woke up and had three cigarettes in my pack. I smoked one on the way to work and two during a break at 10am, while I was smoking the last cigarette I thought to myself “this will be the last cigarette you smoke”.

Lunch came 12:00pm, which is the time I would smoke my next 3 cigarettes if I had any. I didn’t smoke and felt ok about it. My afternoon break 2:00pm, I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to bum a smoke from a friend. I was just about ready to ask for a cigarette when another friend said to me “you’re not smoking?”, I said “no” and he said “are you quitting?” and I said “yeah I think so” and that was that.

That night was painful. Kevin and I were watching TV and he was talking to me about what was on TV. I don’t know what was on or what he was talking about. I could hear noise but couldn’t discern any sounds. All I could think about was having a cigarette, I was obsessed.

When I woke up Friday morning I felt happy that hadn’t smoked but I felt like I couldn’t think straight. At work a non-smoking friend came by later in the day and I told him I quit because I knew he used to smoke and had quit. I asked him if it was easy for him and he began to tell me his testimony. Part of it was about how God took away his desire to smoke when he was filled with the Holy Spirit. He congratulated me for having quit and told me he would pray for me. The strangest thing happened, I had the most peaceful weekend I have had in a long time and I didn’t smoke. I still can’t figure it out, I haven’t felt that good in over 10yrs, I just had so much peace. I didn’t feel self conscious or worried or angry and I didn’t want to smoke.

It has become more of a struggle to keep that point of view but I’ve been spending a lot of time every day repeating things and changing the way I think so I can develop new ways of dealing with situations where I feel like I have to have a cigarette. Realizing I don’t and it’s really killing me. There’s no propaganda involved in not smoking campaigns it really is bad for me and will kill me!

Why is it so important to smoke? It’s really a raw deal. I added up all the money I spent on cigarettes since I started smoking I averaged $3/pack/10yrs = $10,950. So I spent that amount of money to have my life shortened, that’s just craziness!

No more! I am tired of being weak and a slave. Tired of thinking how will smoking fit into this situation? Will I be able to smoke where ever I’m going?

I thought it was mine and I loved it but I really love being free from it.