Fasting

I will begin my first fast 11/23/07.

I plan to do a 3 day water fast, but I may throw in some juice. Kevin had planned to do it for himself so we have decided to do it together. NICE!

What I expect to get out of it:

Increased Self Control
A Detoxified Body
A Conversation with God

I know I’m expecting a lot, but that’s how I roll :)

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

While I was writing tonight after class, I realized I should stop and go to Kevin’s game. I forgot that it was Monday night. When I realized it, I wanted to turn and run. I was not comfortable.
I decided to talk to people so I didn’t feel like such an outsider. Then people started talking to me and I felt like I was a part of the “in-crowd”. Then I realized…….it was ALL so SILLY. Then I felt confident because of who I was and what I stood for. I’m home now and feel even better :)

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away!

I have a rule that every blog entry has to end in a verse. I have something that is either on my mind or comes to me while I’m blogging then I do a search on biblegateway.com
I scroll through and pick which ever verse seems appropriate.

On the 3rd in my blogging I felt very discouraged about my relationship with god and even expressed some anger.

On the 7th I didn’t know what to write and I just kept thinking…..I need to really trust God or I will never feel satisfied with our relationship. So I searched biblegateway for “trust” and the verse god gave me was Psalms 32:10.

On the 10th my discouraged feelings were still there and getting worse, turning into anxiety. But I still didn’t give in trust God. I blogged again and when I searched biblegateway, this time it was for “mule” because I was being so stubborn. The verse God gave me was Psalms 32:9.

What the heck! I noticed that it was the verse right before the one in my last entry. Is God trying to tell me something?

Ok you’re not going to believe this, but I still pushed it off.

Last night I was so down, I checked out! I was supposed to go to my apologetic class and didn’t. I just didn’t want to interact with anyone. I kept feeling this nagging and decided I need to read the whole chapter of Psalms 32.

Holy Crap! It was God talking to ME, especially verses 3-5.

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah 6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. 7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah 8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. 9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. 10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. 11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

I’m definitely feeling better because I see now that what I have been feeling is “his hand HEAVY on me” and “my strength sapped”. I have a long way to go but I trust without doubt now. Now I’m starting to feel pride that I am In the middle of this spiritual battle because it means I am valuable. I’m grateful for all who have been and are praying for me.

I can be so hard headed. I think I'm gonna hang out it the Psalms for awhile.

The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic.
Psalm 29:4

I'm just being a mule about it

I’ve been thinking a lot about how honest is too honest, or is there even such a thing as too honest. What types of things are good to share and what you should keep to yourself or between you and another person, or just between you and God.

In our society the ideas of - Be whoever you are, Do whatever you want, There is no right or wrong and Anything is acceptable - are so prevalent.

Things get very cloudy even when I think they are clear. Because of choices I make, sometimes I am vulnerable to delusions, misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Lately I'm aware I’ve been trying to rationalize my choices. I think because over the long term rationalized choices become habits which are much harder to change, so it’s easier to continue to rationalize.

I read this on http://www.gotquestions.org/ and found it to be very insightful.

Sometimes a good test for whether something is a sin or not is whether you would be proud to tell others what you had just done. If it is something you would be embarrassed or ashamed about if others found out, it is very likely that it is a sin. Another good test is to determine whether we can honestly, in good conscience, ask God to bless and use the particular activity for His own good purposes.

I must always use God as my guide and the bible as my instruction manual. I think that God HAS BEEN speaking and I haven’t been listening. God IS working in my life to change me. I'm just being a mule about it.

My Aunt Lisa sent me a link to an article about spending ½ day with god every month it’s really interesting, actually the whole site is interesting.
– check it: http://startingwithgod.com/articles/halfday.htm

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
Psalm 32:9

Yeah, I don’t have anything else to say.

I fee like I should write something but I don’t really have anything to say.

I did get some super encouraging words a couple days ago that have increased my faith and inspired me.

Yeah, I don’t have anything else to say.

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
Psalm 32:10

Am I emotionally unavailable to God?

I've recently heard more people talk about this supernatural connection they feel to God. Something miraculous happens and it changes their life forever.

What about the people that don’t experience anything like that, why don’t I feel that? In my apologetic class last Monday night the teacher told a story about his cousin who was living in sadness and trying to find the “thing” that would make his life complete/worthwhile. He looked everywhere, including new age spiritualism, buddhism, even heroin but he finally came to the realization that Jesus Christ was the answer and miraculously he was done with heroin and began evangelizing. The teacher said it was because his cousin broke down and opened himself up to God emotionally.

Am I emotionally unavailable to God? I thought I was trusting him, but lately I think I’ve just been telling myself that and really holding everything in my control. I want to “let go and let god” as they say but I’m finding it difficult. I sometimes feel angry that I am in the middle of this spiritual battle. I keep thinking, I really wish I could find someone who has been where I am and can help lead me, but every time I get that thought I hear the holy spirit tell me, “that friend you are looking for is God, all you have to do is give in” - yet I still holdout. I’ve been discovering I hold out emotions to everyone, even myself.

I’m currently at a loss what to do about it.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

My Prayer

Help me keep my thoughts pure
Help me stay humble and not become proud
Give me clarity in your plan for my life
Give me a mentor I respect

Psalm 5:1-3
(1) Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. (2) Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. (3) My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

Who knows what god will do with it.

My mind has been preoccupied with ME….ugh! It shouldn’t be that way right?

I’m trying to figure out if it’s necessary, or if I’m just focusing on one thing so I don’t have to focus on something else that may be more important or too uncomfortable. Right now I am telling myself its O.K..

I’m taking a class at Church and it’s supposed to direct me to the right career based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and my spiritual gifts. So needless to say I’m doing a lot of thinking about me. Going to this class is a huge “stepping out” of my comfortable bubble. I know that it's changing me for the better. I’m just overwhelmed because there are some many things/ideas running through my head regarding what to do next or analyzing my actions based on MB-Type and then evaluating my spiritual gifts along with it and see how the two are working or not working together.

My MB-Type is INTJ (click here to take the test)

“According to Myers-Briggs, INTJs are very analytical individuals. Like INTPs, they are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. - source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ

My Top 3 Spiritual Gifts - I took the test on 3 different occasions to try to get a more truthful result, that’s why my scores are so high. You will understand if you take the test, if not just ignore that part. (click here to take the test)

62 - Server
58 - Exhorter/Encourager
58 - Leader/Administrator

I just keep trying to figure out how these 2 things work together. I feel like I shouldn’t spend this much time thinking about it because GOD already knows what it is. I just need to have faith, trust, listen and do.

I know I’ve said it before but I really do love being a vegetarian. It has become my permanent fast, something that reminds me daily to think about God’s will and whether or not I’m being a good witness. I really struggle and still sometimes forget but it’s just something that has helped me see conviction in my life and I am grateful.

I’m starting another class at church next week called apologetics.

Course description: What is apologetics and why study it? Have you ever thought about the absurdity of life without God? Learn how to defend the existence of God and the Bible through various evidences. Study what the resurrection really means to you and how to apply Christianity to today’s modern culture.

I’m pretty excited. Most people take this class to learn how to witness better. Right now I’m taking it to witness to me, but who knows what god will do with it.

6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[a]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Romans 12:6-8