Thursday, September 20, 2007

My relationship with God

I was driving home from work today and at a stop sign, I watched a eucalyptus tree’s branches sway in the wind. There has been a change in the weather. It’s gotten a little colder and noticeably darker earlier. At that moment I got a feeling of the presence of God. In my mind I envisioned him as big as the trees standing in the middle. I felt overwhelmed and sad.

I’m not totally sure why. I know I have been sad lately or maybe emotional is a better word. I think I’m being attacked by satan because my relationship with God is more real then it has ever been, combined with the fact that I haven’t been going to God as often I should recently so I am more vulnerable.

I get very discouraged sometimes. I have a colossal self esteem issue, not even feeling worthy of God’s love. Satan knows that is my weakness and had me pinned down for a long time. I’m desperately trying to get free. I know it’s not me that will release me but God, and I have moments where I recognize that to be true because I can feel and hear the Holy Spirit. Although most of the time I am still trying to do things myself, I haven’t totally let go of my perceived control.

I did have a moment last night where I said out loud to someone else. “It doesn’t come from me, it’s comes from GOD” concerning my ability to care about people more lately. Not that I don’t care for people but it’s different. It’s almost like I feel GOD’s love flowing through me. Weird! A little hard to grasp because I had almost given up on it all, I mean really given up on it! It made me feel very proud that I could proclaim God’s presence in my life out loud.

My sister sent me a verse a couple days ago that really means a lot to me (she is very smart and I love her!). The verse is I John 4:18 and I know it was from God.

13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Wow! That’s a lot to take in. Bottom Line - To truly become fearless I must become full of God’s love. I’ve got along journey ahead of me. I need to commit to spending time daily.

I still feel overwhelmed but not as sad.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Bravo to you! You are one of the courageous ones! I encourage you to continue on this path - focus on all the times you spend with God, not all the times you didn't. If you add them all up at the end of the year, even if it's just 1 time - it's 1 more than you did last year! That really helped me when I began journaling. My friend helped me to see that it's not about the numbers - God's not keeping track. He's excited and happy when we choose to spend time with him - that's it!<: