Saturday, April 5, 2008

For what I do is not the good I want to do

In a chapter titled “Sharing our Hearts” in a book I'm reading, it references another book - “Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God”. This is an excerpt from that book….
“Is there anyone I can level with? Anyone I dare tell that I am benevolent and Malevolent, chaste and randy, compassionate and vindictive, selfless and selfish, that beneath my brave words lives a frightened child, that I dabble in religion and pornography, that I have blackened a friends character, betrayed trust, violated confidence, that I am tolerant and thoughtful, a bigot and a blowhard….?
Most of the time, that’s how I feel. And when I don’t feel like that, I fear I am being too proud.

I know accountability and community are vital, but those two words make me uncomfortable. Sharing is frightening. Will they judge too much, to the point of discouragement? Or maybe not enough and participate in my sin? Or do I respect them enough to accept correction from them?

The struggle between my spirit and flesh has been tiring lately! I’ve slipped and I don’t know why I am holding so tightly to not getting back up. I want to move forward.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Roman 7:15-20

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

1 comment:

Lisa said...

The fact that you documented what is going on in your life is awesome! And you are in good company - Paul the aposlte, King David, Peter the disciple, Elisha, Moses...we all struggle with doing what we don't want to do, and not doing what we want to do. It's the battle between our flesh and our spirit - it's not going to stop until we are spending eternity with Christ and God our Father. However; we can learn to get back on track easier and quicker, so don't lose hope. Do you realize you are still in the baby stages of growing in your relationship with Christ? You are just learning to crawl, and trying to learn to walk - so you fall you down. Who doesn't? I learned in my Coaching class that a child has to fall down no less than 700 times to get their mind/body calibrated just right to stand and then walk. I thought that was so cool! God created us in such a way that not only physically, but spiritually we we will fall and stumble our way through our growth process. And as we adjust/calibrate we learn to stand, walk, etc. You are learning to stand and walk - and then run and even sprint!

Psalm 94:18-19 says, "When I
said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Do you notice that this verse says "when my foot is slipping" - not when it slipped, not it's going to slip - but in the act/process of slipping - God's love supports us. Remember that, Crissy, and don't lose hope.