I am THANKFUL

Today has been a great day!. Not because the day was great but because I had my art class last night and it was so much fun! It was a stress reliever, I was happy with what I painted and someone actually said they might want to buy it. Yikes! That was a weird feeling. But the best thing is I had a break through, I found excitement. I’ve been trying to paint for so long and in my opinion not really getting the hang of it. I always thought I had to paint a picture of an actual “thing” and I had to use a "brush". Now I'm learning it's about color, shapes, texture and glazing. I can paint with anything, even my fingers ;) and it doesn't have to be a picture of anything. I have all kinds of ideas swirling in my head.

I am THANKFUL to have found something that gives me joy.

I want this to be something that is an apparent change in me that draws others closer to God and or at least makes them think about God.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 28:7

an answer to prayer

I have been feeling unrest, disconnected, bored and it has worried me.

I worry that in moments where I don’t have anything going on that “in my point of view” is motion or action for change that I am slipping and that SCARES me because that’s what I have always done in the past. I’ve never been able to make it through the lull of life. I’ve always ended up altering my state of mind so the stillness was acceptable but in doing that, my life has become a life of mediocrity and I don’t want that anymore!

Ever since New Years Eve 2 Cor 12:9 has come up four times. One of the times I randomly pulled it out of the middle of my prayer cards, that’s when I really felt God was telling me something. But what, I didn’t understand, how does this apply to me? Sometimes I think I try to make things more then they are. Maybe God is just telling me exactly what it says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” nothing more, nothing less.

I’ve been listening to Spirit, the Christian station on my satellite radio. There's this song by Casting Crowns called “East to West”, it came on last Friday while I was driving home from work and I started crying. The beginning lyrics are:

“Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness, The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, I don't want to end up where You found me, And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight”

I was listening to talk radio today and some lady said "It’s easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling, than to feel yourself into a better way of action”. Right after that I turned it back to Spirit and "East to West" was on again and it was at the part where it says “In the arms of your mercy I’ll find rest”.

If I truly believe in God’s providence and I do, then I know that all these things are him speaking to me. I can’t set parameters on how God should talk to me I just need to pay attention so I can hear when he does and I need to learn not place importance on my feelings because they are not truth. I just need to rest in him and trust his timeline.

I think I am on the journey to learn patience and thankfully the Holy Spirit is working in me. It’s funny as I write this it just occurred to me that I prayed for God to shine a light on things that I need to change so I guess this is an answer to prayer. That's pretty cool ;)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Gal 5:22-23

How can I be impatient for anything keeping in mind how patient God is and has been with me?

Bear in mind that our Lord's patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him.
2 Pet 3:15

I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone!

I went home for Christmas with all these expectations. I felt like I was changed and I wanted everyone to see the difference. I tried to make all the gifts I was giving thoughtful and encouraging. I was scared, but I felt like God was directing me and whether I was comfortable or not, I had to obey. I did most of the time, but my faith was continually tested because I kept thinking “I hope I don’t offend anyone”. I had to remind myself “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.” Romans 1:16 and “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7

But there was a time that I felt like the entire trip was a failure. I was my old self - but even worse. I felt like I had sprinted into temptation and the discouragement stayed with me for days. I knew that it was wrong. I knew I didn’t have to do it, but I just did it anyway. That’s why I am so upset by it because I know that God always makes a way for escape but I didn’t see it or if I did, even worse I ignored it!

Ever since I’ve been home I allowed the discouragement to be my primary emotion. All the while asking God why is this happening? Why do I feel like You are so far from me?

There have been a couple things that have happened to help me understand and bring perspective.

I know because I am changed, I am being attacked more relentlessly then ever. Satan is grasping at straws because he is losing his grip but I still show signs of weakness. I know that when the Holy Spirit speaks to me and I don’t listen that is going to pull me further from God, further from peace.

I almost didn’t go to church last Sunday because I wasn’t in a place where I thought I could go. But I was thankfully encouraged to go, so we went. It was a perfect surprise because it was NOT what I expected but EVERYTHING that I need. Isn’t it amazingly flawless how God work’s. Then today I got a call from someone who needed some encouragement and by me searching the bible to encourage her, I found what I needed.

1 Pet 4:12-13
12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed
when his glory is revealed.

And……

2 Cor 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It’s so important to have family (brothers and sisters) in Christ. I’ve always done things on my own and still do at times, but I’ve been encouraged. It’s essential to spend time daily with God and spend time with people in your life that encourage you.

I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone! I pray that 2008 will be full of testing, growth and wisdom.

1 John 5:2-4
2This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

God has plans - Great Plans!

Guilt is such a hard thing to get away from. When I do something wrong or act in a way that people around me would be shocked to hear I am a Christian, I feel guilt and sadness. And sometimes let it get the better of me.

I sometimes feel guilty because I was raised in a “Christian Family”. I went to church regularly from birth until I was eighteen. I went on numerous mission trips to Mexico and even Bermuda. I should know better then to do things I have done and continue to do. I have to accept that I am a sinner and not hold myself to this unrealistic expectation that I have had, thinking I came from something that held me to a higher standard and always feeling like a failure. Because I felt like that, I allowed myself to be a failure.

I know I must QUICKLY turn God and admit my sin so it will not get in the way of our relationship. I know the more I do it the stronger our relationship gets and the less I am inclined to sin because I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong I will always sin, but the key is, to keep a close relationship with God and always listen.

God has plans, great plans! I am grateful that I know God and want my family and friends to know what I know. Some people I am confident have a living relationship with God, some people I see coming around and some I don’t know about and they are always on my mind.

I have had so much on my mind as far as what my witness. I was listening to a sermon the other day on the Bema Seat and have become very convicted but find that I am still trying to balance myself between God’s will and my obedience and what is acceptable by the worlds standards and people around me.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

At times I even felt jipped

Meaning is very important to me. If I can’t find meaning in things they become unimportant to me. This can sometimes make me seem mean or cold because someone else might find something meaningful and I don’t so I dismiss it as unimportant. I am working on that.

I went to a women’s retreat in 2002 and all of the women were given a bookmark with a verse on it. We were told that there was a group of women that had been praying for each of us individually and each of us got our own verse. This was something that made me feel very special I felt like I was getting something direct from God and that was something I always longed for but rarely if ever felt like I got.

My verse is Colossians 1:9-11. I read it over the years but didn’t really feel like it was for me. At times I even felt jipped. First off, it should have been verse 9-12, verse 11 just cut’s off in the middle and if it was from God he would have surely given me verse 12, and secondly I really felt like it could have been for anyone, it seemed kind of generic.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

Well, it only took me five years to finally get it. This wasn’t a block of text that was supposed to change my life, this was my starting place! I was given the beginning of the chapter and I never took the next step to keep reading the whole chapter and eventually the entire book. I read it a couple weeks ago and only took about 15 minutes. What followed was God speaking directly to me…again ;) At a time in my life when I’m really struggling between my life that I created which basically sucks and the life that God is trying to give me which is potentially amazing, I stumble upon “Rules for Holy Living” in chapter 3. Argggg…..sometimes I am so frustrated with myself.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Col 3:1-4

How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?

I feel like I should write something at least once a week. I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I feel like I can't express coherent thoughts. My mind is scattered and unfocused. I am so sick of the "I feel like" statement.

What's on my mind….I need to exercise, Christmas is practically tomorrow, I need to shop, I need to clean my house, my garage is a mess, why do I feel joyless, why can't I get out of my head, perfectionism, apologetics, how to incorporate it, how to build up my confidence to share, philosophy, feeling unintelligent, I need direction in my personal bible study, my job, running list of things to do, why can't I remember things, why do I feel so separate from everyone, Is that right or wrong, who am I, am I obsessing to much?

BBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm tired and I haven't even moved!

Ok so I took a break and searched through gotquestions.org, this is what I found. (It’s kind of long)

Question: "How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?"

Answer: I commend you for being sensitive to the Lord and wanting to please Him. The first thing you need to do is pray and tell the Lord that you hear what He's saying in John 16:33, which is where Jesus says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." Then, ask the Lord to show you how He has "overcome" your problems, your worries, your anger, and your guilt.The Lord will reveal to you through His Word, the Bible, that you can be of good "cheer" that 1) you can rejoice in your "problems" because God's Word says in Romans 5:3-4, "knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." And 2) you can see your "worries" as an opportunity to practice Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." 3) you can counteract your "anger" by obeying Ephesians 4:32, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.", and 4) you can deal with your "guilty" feelings by simply believing in the truth of 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." All of your problems, worries, anger, and guilt can be dealt with through simple faith in God's Word.God is bigger than all these
things put together and you must realize that if you are to have any victory in your life. Everyone suffers with these difficulties, because the Bible teaches that temptation is "common" to mankind (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that all your problems are your fault, all your worries will come true, all your anger condemns you, or that all your guilt is from God. If you do sin and confess your sin, God forgives and cleanses. You need not feel ashamed. Take God at His Word that He does forgive and cleanse. None of your sins are so heavy that God cannot lift them from you and throw them into the deepest sea (see Psalm 103:11-12).In reality, feelings come from thoughts, so, even though you can't change how you feel, you can change how you think. And this is what God wants you to do. For example, in Philippians 2:5, Christians are told, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." In Philippians 4:8, Christians are told to think on "things" that are "true", "noble", "just", "pure", "lovely", "of good report", and "praiseworthy" In Colossians 3:2, Christians are told to "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Therefore, as you do this, your feelings of guilt diminish. So, each day, pray for God's Word to guide you, read or listen to God's Word, and meditate on God's Word when the problems, worries, and anxieties of life come along.The secret to giving things over to Christ is really no secret at all - it's simply allowing Jesus "once-in-your-life" to take your burden of "original sin" (See John 3:16) and be your Savior - as well as allowing Jesus "during-your-Christian-life" to take your burdens of "occasional sin" and be your Lord. See 1 Peter 5:7, "...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." May the Lord bless you with His peace!

I’m trying so hard to change how I think about things, my brain is strained. I need to take some time to relax, slow down my thoughts and meditate on all those verse.

On a side note ;) Patty and me are going roller skating when her knees gets better, hopefully soon. I'm SUPER excited about that! I know it’s silly, but it will be fun fun fun!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Fasting – Day 2 Completed

The fast ended last night. It was a total of 48 hours. It’s interesting to see the dynamic between my flesh and my spirit. I’m stuck between feeling like I failed and feeling like it was a success. It definitely was a learning experience.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26