Tracing my Salvation

Lately I’ve been thinking about when I was saved and my life between then and now. I want to formulate my testimony so I can talk about it clearly without spider webbing. The “issue” I’m having is that it is spread out and weaved throughout my life...I don’t have this big bang like other people. I just know that this change in me has been so different that I don't ever go back!

I think that most people that have known me, have at least known that I believed in God and grew up “Christian;” but there has been a long season in my life where there was no evidence to support that belief.

In my youth, I missed the truth that God loved me no matter what. My actions didn't make Him love me less; but I allowed them to divide us instead unite us by going to Him with issues, DISBELIEF, concerns, HURT, fear, GUILT… and the list goes go on. The reason I didn't go to Him was because I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know who he was so it was like going to a stranger. I truly believed in God and believe that I was saved; but because I didn’t know Him and understand the gift that He had given me, he didn’t seem very appealing and just made me feel guilty.

Now I am learning who He is, what the gospel means and what the gift of salvation is. I recently listened to a message on 1 Kings 19:19-21 called Burn the Plows. This is a one sentence synopsis that doesn’t fully explain the message; but my take away was that God will not love Christians more or less if they sin; but by burning the plow or cutting whatever is tethering them to sin, will result in them knowing Him and living abundantly in Him. My life, my “Christianity” was limited because I was not willing to set fire to what was tethering me to the world.

It is about surrender. Surrender of both our external and internal.  “The greatest crisis we everface is the surrender of our will. Yet God never forces a person’s will intosurrender, and He never begs. He patiently waits until that person willinglyyields to Him.”

As I increasingly surrender I learn more about Gods character. That increases our relationship, my desire to change and His transformation of me. 

I REALLY ❤ Him. I want to love Him more and be able to tell everyone; but I have to admit that there is still apprehension in my mind and heart that I'm still working through. I'm so thankful that this is a process we will go through together as He continues to change me into His brightly shinning servant.

1 Peter 1:3-12 (ESV)

Born Again to a Living Hope

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Concerning this salvation, the prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired carefully, inquiring what person or time the Spirit of Christ in them was indicating when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent glories. It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you, in the things that have now been announced to you through those who preached the good news to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels long to look.

Renewing my mind...

Matthew 17:14-20 (ESV)
And when they came to the crowd, a man came up to him and, kneeling before him, said, “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is an epileptic and he suffers terribly. For often he falls into the fire, and often into the water. And I brought him to your disciples, and they could not heal him.” And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him, and the boy was healed instantly. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

I have a few childhood memories of trying to move mountains. I vividly remember one occasion of staring at a mountain from the back seat of our Ford Pinto on a Sunday morning, and another of staring out the kitchen window at a snow dusted mountain, thinking “I have faith that this mountain will move…I BELIEVE this mountain will move!” Then I watched intently, waiting for the slightest shift in position. It seems silly; but it is something I thought I should have been able to do. When I was a little girl, I remember being taught in church that we should have faith that could move mountains. If I had the faith of a mustard seed, I could move mountains. Have you seen a mustard seed? They are really, really, really small; yet when I tested this theory the mountains never moved. How is it possible that I didn’t have that small amount of faith?? This lack of understanding created a barrier in my walk with God.

Through small steps of obedience to God that started back in December with me quitting smoking again for like the fifth or sixth (but FINAL) time, God has loving brought me to a place where He is working on me to break down barriers that kept me from a relationship with Him. Crazily…my inability to move mountains was one of those barriers. I couldn’t make sense of something that I believed I was taught by the church leaders, so I allowed the lie to creep in that; If that isn’t true what else isn’t true? Is it possible none of this s true? This may seem immature; but that’s because I was.

Through teaching that God is leading me to, I am learning to look at my notions, perceptions, and actions, and ask Him to reveal to me what they say about my relationship with Him and what they say I believe about Him. So….my perception was: I should be able to move mountains because I think I have faith at least the size of a mustard seed, and if the mountain doesn’t move that scripture is not truth. Really??....Who do I think I am?? This perception says that I am the ultimate evaluator of the volume of my faith, not God. That I know better than God. Wow! That honest realization broke down the barrier real quick for me.

I do not know what faith of a mustard seed looks like; but I do know that I have never seen a person move a mountain, so it’s highly probably that faith the size of a mustard seed is actually a huge amount of faith that most people can’t comprehend. The other thing that God has shown me is that, for me, the mountain is a metaphor. What practical purpose does moving a mountain have? There wasn’t a purpose for me. If I’m honest, it wasn’t about the depth of my faith it was about my selfish desire to move a mountain, which really reveals the condition of my heart. So what are the symbolic mountains in my life? What “mountains” should I petition the Lord with prayer to move for His glory? What things seem impossible that I should have faith that God can change, heal, or restore?

My heart’s desire is to focus my faith on those things and his promises. I am finding that as I do that, I know Him to be trustworthy and faithful!

Nugget of Truth

Prayers do not inform God, prayers exercise faith in God.

Its been awhile....

So much has happened over the past four year blogging hiatus, I feel the need to write an extensive re-cap; but I’mgoing to resist and trust that what is important will reveal itself in future entries. In reading past posts, I found it so interesting that my initials were about being vegetarian and quitting smoking. If memory serves, that quit lasted six months before I started smoking again. I am now four months into my final quit and feel positive and optimistic...this time is very different. I also considered deleting all my previous entries, but decided against as they serve as markers for progress and reminders of lessons. This time around, my goal is to fearlessly express myself with the hope that it may be an encouragement.

“True Liberty is found in Transparency” and “Sanctification is a Process”

I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t known what to write mostly because I've found myself in a place where I have to take the next step into honestly looking at myself and my role in this life. A place where I must honestly confess my sins becoming transparent which in turn is revealing that I lack trust in God because I am afraid to be transparent. That’s hard to swallow.

I keep asking God for help, expecting he will deliver me with a snap of his giant fingers. But giving little to no action on my part due to a fear of being let down. I say I know God loves me, but what keeps me from fully trusting, letting go, giving myself to him shortcomings and all openly so he can use them for my good and his glory? It’s a spiritual battle where my mind is attacked. Eph 6:12 says it clearly - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

I’ve been reading two books, both of which are pointing me to saturating myself in scripture. That is the way to renewal, renewal of the mind, body and spirit. I want so badly to be a bright light reflecting God’s glory.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
Psalm 40:4-5

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

Soon I will have the whole suit of armor on!

I am being renewed regarding what I believed were truths and what I am being shown are lies. I see that nearly every thought pattern I've had for a really long time has been based on a lie. Like what I believed made me valuable or believing that no one would ever really understand me or believing that few people if anyone was trustworthy, and that people would eventually hurt me so it was just expected and acceptable. These are some pretty BIG lies to face and some thick walls to break through. As I seek and find the biblical truths to combat the lies, everything will become clearer and I will be dead to sin.

Truths I have found:

Romans 6:6-7 says - knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin.

Christ death freed me - I am free! When negative thoughts or feelings come over me they are lies trying to distract me from the truth that I am free! Free to be peaceful, loving, joyful and helpful in all circumstances.

Luke 15:21-24 says - And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to be merry.

This is the parable of the prodigal son. The truth is God is delights that I am found. He is excited, thrilled and throws parties for the lost who return. Feeling unworthy is expected but holding tight to it is a lie to keep me from coming closer, being intimate. I am a prodigal daughter ;) I am valuable because He values me!

Psalm 139:1-4 says - O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

This passage is usually used for the verses that follow, to show how intricately God has created us and how amazing it is. It truly is amazing but recently it was shown to me in a different way. Within the first 4 verses there are 7 words that describe how much God knows David. God knows us! Liken it to the person that know you best, that you trust, that you feel safest and most comfortable with - He knows us even MORE! Whenever I feel despair, afraid, tired, bored, joyful, successful or blessed, from one end of emotions to the other and everywhere in between God knows. He knows me, He is familiar with ALL my ways - I am known and understood!

1 John 5:18-20 say - And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life.

Jesus is truth! The more I seek the more I will be given understanding. I am working hard to put on my Belt of Truth. Soon I will have the whole suit of armor on :)

For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
Romans 8:15

For what I do is not the good I want to do

In a chapter titled “Sharing our Hearts” in a book I'm reading, it references another book - “Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God”. This is an excerpt from that book….

“Is there anyone I can level with? Anyone I dare tell that I am benevolent and Malevolent, chaste and randy, compassionate and vindictive, selfless and selfish, that beneath my brave words lives a frightened child, that I dabble in religion and pornography, that I have blackened a friends character, betrayed trust, violated confidence, that I am tolerant and thoughtful, a bigot and a blowhard….?

Most of the time, that’s how I feel. And when I don’t feel like that, I fear I am being too proud.

I know accountability and community are vital, but those two words make me uncomfortable. Sharing is frightening. Will they judge too much, to the point of discouragement? Or maybe not enough and participate in my sin? Or do I respect them enough to accept correction from them?

The struggle between my spirit and flesh has been tiring lately! I’ve slipped and I don’t know why I am holding so tightly to not getting back up. I want to move forward.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Roman 7:15-20

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

Yielding and Obeying

I started a blog on Friday that was going to go something like this……… I have been feeling increasingly heavy hearted lately.

I decided against it because I didn’t want all my entries to reflect a time of despair. I had taken a week off from church thinking it was no big deal and my small group has been on hiatus for two weeks. I realized over the weekend that my habits were becoming self centered and spirit smothering. I listened to a sermon on Friday about yielding and obeying. The pastor talked about times in our lives when we feel like we are struggling more with temptation and life just seems harder. Those are periods we aren’t spending time with God daily. I made the decision to get up and read my bible every morning. Today I did it and my day was amazing and joyful!

Some people though, may have seen it as a really bad day. My car died at Starbucks on my way to work. I forgot my cell phone and had to walk 4 blocks home to get it. I had to work late to make up for getting there late. Then I had unexpected errands to run when I got off work.

But this is my take on it……..

While reading my bible in the morning I “randomly” read through 2 passages one in James and one in Romans that both said the same thing - be a doer and not a hearer only - God was speaking to me. Nice!

I left my house, started my car and was on my way to get my morning coffee. Ready to head to work with my Iced Venti Soy Vanilla Brewed in hand I found my car wouldn’t start. Ugh. I began to pray. I began to feel really silly. God’s not going start my car for me. That’s a stupid request. If anything I’m probably supposed to learn something, like patience or a controlled spirit. So I stopped praying. At that point I realized I had forgotten my cell phone at home. Starbucks only has 5 parking spots with signs all over that say - customers only - so I went back in to let them know I was walking home, would be right back and request that they PLEASE don’t have my car towed. A benevolent girl serving coffee offered to come out and give me a jump. I was thankful and thought for sure this would be my saving grace as a jump has been successful in the past. Much to my dismay the jump didn’t work! What was wrong? I figured there was still something for me learn so I decided not to get upset and started walking home. Once there I got my cell phone and made the necessary calls. One to Kevin…Please come and help me! And one to my boss...I'm going to be late.

As I was walking back to Starbucks I remembered a time recently when a friend was talking to me about praying saying he didn’t feel like his requests were worthy of Gods time and energy. I told him God loves him and no request is to small. I said God wants us to seek him in everything. Then it dawned on me - What a hypocrite I was!

Then I heard him. God. Not audibly, but he did speak to me…..You don’t believe I will do it? He asked.

Ugh I felt like a jerk! I didn’t believe he would do it. I thought it was a silly little request that wasn’t something he would even be concerned with. That is was to small a request.

When I got back to Starbucks, I prayed again. This time believing he would do it but asking it in his will. What happened……IT STARTED! And to make it more of a miracle playing on the radio was a song…..

"Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord, you catch me when I'm falling, And you've told me who I am.I am yours."

I was filled with joy, I was delighted and GRATEFUL! All I could do was SMILE. I called Kevin to tell him he didn’t have to come because God started my car ;)

On my drive to work I started to second guess it all. I told my self maybe it was just circumstantial, there had to be away to explain it. My joy was beginning to permeate with doubt.

When I got to work I searched the bible and the dictionary :)

Miracle, definition: an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples
Psalm 77:14

And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.
Matt 13:58

God did extraordinary miracles through Paul
Acts 19:11

Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?
Gal 3:5

how shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.
Heb 2:3-4

This was the reinforcement I needed. Our God is a god of miracles. There is a part of me that feels embarrassed to relay this to my little car starting because it seems so unimportant. I know that God performs miracles. He just saved my aunt Collette’s life and restored her health. That's what I thought a miracle was. Most of us only believe a miracle to be something great due to what we deem "dire circumstances". But God will and I think wants to perform miracles in our lives, he wants us to seek, believe, yield and be obedient.

When I left work I was reserved to the fact my car may not start and I was ok with it. I felt and overwhelming sense that I was fully taken care of and loved. It didn’t matter if I had to walk 6 miles to get home I was just grateful. I got in my car, and it started right up and again there was another song playing for me on the radio…..

"thank you for everything, thank you for loving me, it don't even matter what tomorrow brings, well i will sing my, thank you for sun and rain, for what you give and take away for all your goodness i will always say, thank you"

It's a cheesy song but it was exactly what my heart was singing. I had an awesome day and knew God was with me. I am blessed!

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
1 Kings 19:11-13

Good Earth Tea

All good Earth Tea Bags Have quotes on them. It's pretty fun ;) This is the quote I got the other day.

"Unless you believe, you will not understand"

- Saint Augustine 354 AD -

Isn't that the truth!

I’m not a vegetarian anymore

I’ve spent A LOT of time thinking about this lately and God is showing me through many different things that I am released from the “vegetarian” label that I put on myself.

Things I’ve thought about…….What does the identity of being a vegetarian do for my witness? Is this something that brings me closer to God? Am I putting up a barrier between myself and others because of foods restrictions?

The reasons I originally decided to be vegetarian
• To change my life
• To be healthy
• To be compassionate
• To be more “Christian”

It has been almost a year and I have learned a lot! I know it was the right thing for me to do because of all the things I learned.

I learned increased self discipline. I learned to be grateful for what God has given me and appreciate many foods that I didn’t like or wouldn’t even try. I learned that I was wrong in calling it a “permanent fast” because a fast is an allotted special time to seek God on another level. I learned to live a healthier lifestyle. And I learned to be more open and thoughtful about eating.

Romans 14:6 is a verse that I read when I started this that I felt biblically supported my decision to be vegetarian…..

6 He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.

The study notes for this verse in my NKJV Bible say “The strong believer eats whatever he pleases and thanks the Lord. The weak believer eats according to his ceremonial diet and thanks the Lord that he made a sacrifice on his behalf. In either case the believer thanks the Lord so the motive is the same to the Lord. Whether weak or strong the motive behind the believer’s decision about issues of conscious must be to please the Lord.

When I read this it really struck a chord with me because I was a "weak believer" when I made this decision and through Christ I have received unlimited strength and freedom.

What matters to God is where my heart is. As long as I seek him in everything I do - I’m good!.

God has been speaking this to me for awhile and I keep telling myself I have to complete 1 year. Not for any good reason, just because I always put rules on myself. I wasn’t listening to God and I was telling myself something else. In that I realized it has become bondage. I am currently learning to release my self-imposed rules.

So I’m not saying I’m going hog wild on meat diet ;) get it......Hog…Meat…hahaha. I actually like a mostly vegetarian diet but I will not restrict myself anymore. I will seek God and live in the gift of freedom he has given me.

All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any” (1 Cor. 6:12).

I am THANKFUL

Today has been a great day!. Not because the day was great but because I had my art class last night and it was so much fun! It was a stress reliever, I was happy with what I painted and someone actually said they might want to buy it. Yikes! That was a weird feeling. But the best thing is I had a break through, I found excitement. I’ve been trying to paint for so long and in my opinion not really getting the hang of it. I always thought I had to paint a picture of an actual “thing” and I had to use a "brush". Now I'm learning it's about color, shapes, texture and glazing. I can paint with anything, even my fingers ;) and it doesn't have to be a picture of anything. I have all kinds of ideas swirling in my head.

I am THANKFUL to have found something that gives me joy.

I want this to be something that is an apparent change in me that draws others closer to God and or at least makes them think about God.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 28:7

an answer to prayer

I have been feeling unrest, disconnected, bored and it has worried me.

I worry that in moments where I don’t have anything going on that “in my point of view” is motion or action for change that I am slipping and that SCARES me because that’s what I have always done in the past. I’ve never been able to make it through the lull of life. I’ve always ended up altering my state of mind so the stillness was acceptable but in doing that, my life has become a life of mediocrity and I don’t want that anymore!

Ever since New Years Eve 2 Cor 12:9 has come up four times. One of the times I randomly pulled it out of the middle of my prayer cards, that’s when I really felt God was telling me something. But what, I didn’t understand, how does this apply to me? Sometimes I think I try to make things more then they are. Maybe God is just telling me exactly what it says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” nothing more, nothing less.

I’ve been listening to Spirit, the Christian station on my satellite radio. There's this song by Casting Crowns called “East to West”, it came on last Friday while I was driving home from work and I started crying. The beginning lyrics are:

“Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness, The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, I don't want to end up where You found me, And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight”

I was listening to talk radio today and some lady said "It’s easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling, than to feel yourself into a better way of action”. Right after that I turned it back to Spirit and "East to West" was on again and it was at the part where it says “In the arms of your mercy I’ll find rest”.

If I truly believe in God’s providence and I do, then I know that all these things are him speaking to me. I can’t set parameters on how God should talk to me I just need to pay attention so I can hear when he does and I need to learn not place importance on my feelings because they are not truth. I just need to rest in him and trust his timeline.

I think I am on the journey to learn patience and thankfully the Holy Spirit is working in me. It’s funny as I write this it just occurred to me that I prayed for God to shine a light on things that I need to change so I guess this is an answer to prayer. That's pretty cool ;)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Gal 5:22-23

How can I be impatient for anything keeping in mind how patient God is and has been with me?

Bear in mind that our Lord's patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him.
2 Pet 3:15

I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone!

I went home for Christmas with all these expectations. I felt like I was changed and I wanted everyone to see the difference. I tried to make all the gifts I was giving thoughtful and encouraging. I was scared, but I felt like God was directing me and whether I was comfortable or not, I had to obey. I did most of the time, but my faith was continually tested because I kept thinking “I hope I don’t offend anyone”. I had to remind myself “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.” Romans 1:16 and “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7

But there was a time that I felt like the entire trip was a failure. I was my old self - but even worse. I felt like I had sprinted into temptation and the discouragement stayed with me for days. I knew that it was wrong. I knew I didn’t have to do it, but I just did it anyway. That’s why I am so upset by it because I know that God always makes a way for escape but I didn’t see it or if I did, even worse I ignored it!

Ever since I’ve been home I allowed the discouragement to be my primary emotion. All the while asking God why is this happening? Why do I feel like You are so far from me?

There have been a couple things that have happened to help me understand and bring perspective.

I know because I am changed, I am being attacked more relentlessly then ever. Satan is grasping at straws because he is losing his grip but I still show signs of weakness. I know that when the Holy Spirit speaks to me and I don’t listen that is going to pull me further from God, further from peace.

I almost didn’t go to church last Sunday because I wasn’t in a place where I thought I could go. But I was thankfully encouraged to go, so we went. It was a perfect surprise because it was NOT what I expected but EVERYTHING that I need. Isn’t it amazingly flawless how God work’s. Then today I got a call from someone who needed some encouragement and by me searching the bible to encourage her, I found what I needed.

1 Pet 4:12-13
12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed
when his glory is revealed.

And……

2 Cor 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It’s so important to have family (brothers and sisters) in Christ. I’ve always done things on my own and still do at times, but I’ve been encouraged. It’s essential to spend time daily with God and spend time with people in your life that encourage you.

I am THANKFUL for my new years eve alone! I pray that 2008 will be full of testing, growth and wisdom.

1 John 5:2-4
2This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

God has plans - Great Plans!

Guilt is such a hard thing to get away from. When I do something wrong or act in a way that people around me would be shocked to hear I am a Christian, I feel guilt and sadness. And sometimes let it get the better of me.

I sometimes feel guilty because I was raised in a “Christian Family”. I went to church regularly from birth until I was eighteen. I went on numerous mission trips to Mexico and even Bermuda. I should know better then to do things I have done and continue to do. I have to accept that I am a sinner and not hold myself to this unrealistic expectation that I have had, thinking I came from something that held me to a higher standard and always feeling like a failure. Because I felt like that, I allowed myself to be a failure.

I know I must QUICKLY turn God and admit my sin so it will not get in the way of our relationship. I know the more I do it the stronger our relationship gets and the less I am inclined to sin because I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong I will always sin, but the key is, to keep a close relationship with God and always listen.

God has plans, great plans! I am grateful that I know God and want my family and friends to know what I know. Some people I am confident have a living relationship with God, some people I see coming around and some I don’t know about and they are always on my mind.

I have had so much on my mind as far as what my witness. I was listening to a sermon the other day on the Bema Seat and have become very convicted but find that I am still trying to balance myself between God’s will and my obedience and what is acceptable by the worlds standards and people around me.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

At times I even felt jipped

Meaning is very important to me. If I can’t find meaning in things they become unimportant to me. This can sometimes make me seem mean or cold because someone else might find something meaningful and I don’t so I dismiss it as unimportant. I am working on that.

I went to a women’s retreat in 2002 and all of the women were given a bookmark with a verse on it. We were told that there was a group of women that had been praying for each of us individually and each of us got our own verse. This was something that made me feel very special I felt like I was getting something direct from God and that was something I always longed for but rarely if ever felt like I got.

My verse is Colossians 1:9-11. I read it over the years but didn’t really feel like it was for me. At times I even felt jipped. First off, it should have been verse 9-12, verse 11 just cut’s off in the middle and if it was from God he would have surely given me verse 12, and secondly I really felt like it could have been for anyone, it seemed kind of generic.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

Well, it only took me five years to finally get it. This wasn’t a block of text that was supposed to change my life, this was my starting place! I was given the beginning of the chapter and I never took the next step to keep reading the whole chapter and eventually the entire book. I read it a couple weeks ago and only took about 15 minutes. What followed was God speaking directly to me…again ;) At a time in my life when I’m really struggling between my life that I created which basically sucks and the life that God is trying to give me which is potentially amazing, I stumble upon “Rules for Holy Living” in chapter 3. Argggg…..sometimes I am so frustrated with myself.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Col 3:1-4

How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?

I feel like I should write something at least once a week. I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I feel like I can't express coherent thoughts. My mind is scattered and unfocused. I am so sick of the "I feel like" statement.

What's on my mind….I need to exercise, Christmas is practically tomorrow, I need to shop, I need to clean my house, my garage is a mess, why do I feel joyless, why can't I get out of my head, perfectionism, apologetics, how to incorporate it, how to build up my confidence to share, philosophy, feeling unintelligent, I need direction in my personal bible study, my job, running list of things to do, why can't I remember things, why do I feel so separate from everyone, Is that right or wrong, who am I, am I obsessing to much?

BBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm tired and I haven't even moved!

Ok so I took a break and searched through gotquestions.org, this is what I found. (It’s kind of long)

Question: "How can I turn all my worries and problems over to God?"

Answer: I commend you for being sensitive to the Lord and wanting to please Him. The first thing you need to do is pray and tell the Lord that you hear what He's saying in John 16:33, which is where Jesus says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." Then, ask the Lord to show you how He has "overcome" your problems, your worries, your anger, and your guilt.The Lord will reveal to you through His Word, the Bible, that you can be of good "cheer" that 1) you can rejoice in your "problems" because God's Word says in Romans 5:3-4, "knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." And 2) you can see your "worries" as an opportunity to practice Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." 3) you can counteract your "anger" by obeying Ephesians 4:32, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.", and 4) you can deal with your "guilty" feelings by simply believing in the truth of 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." All of your problems, worries, anger, and guilt can be dealt with through simple faith in God's Word.God is bigger than all these
things put together and you must realize that if you are to have any victory in your life. Everyone suffers with these difficulties, because the Bible teaches that temptation is "common" to mankind (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that all your problems are your fault, all your worries will come true, all your anger condemns you, or that all your guilt is from God. If you do sin and confess your sin, God forgives and cleanses. You need not feel ashamed. Take God at His Word that He does forgive and cleanse. None of your sins are so heavy that God cannot lift them from you and throw them into the deepest sea (see Psalm 103:11-12).In reality, feelings come from thoughts, so, even though you can't change how you feel, you can change how you think. And this is what God wants you to do. For example, in Philippians 2:5, Christians are told, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." In Philippians 4:8, Christians are told to think on "things" that are "true", "noble", "just", "pure", "lovely", "of good report", and "praiseworthy" In Colossians 3:2, Christians are told to "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Therefore, as you do this, your feelings of guilt diminish. So, each day, pray for God's Word to guide you, read or listen to God's Word, and meditate on God's Word when the problems, worries, and anxieties of life come along.The secret to giving things over to Christ is really no secret at all - it's simply allowing Jesus "once-in-your-life" to take your burden of "original sin" (See John 3:16) and be your Savior - as well as allowing Jesus "during-your-Christian-life" to take your burdens of "occasional sin" and be your Lord. See 1 Peter 5:7, "...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." May the Lord bless you with His peace!

I’m trying so hard to change how I think about things, my brain is strained. I need to take some time to relax, slow down my thoughts and meditate on all those verse.

On a side note ;) Patty and me are going roller skating when her knees gets better, hopefully soon. I'm SUPER excited about that! I know it’s silly, but it will be fun fun fun!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Fasting – Day 2 Completed

The fast ended last night. It was a total of 48 hours. It’s interesting to see the dynamic between my flesh and my spirit. I’m stuck between feeling like I failed and feeling like it was a success. It definitely was a learning experience.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

Fasting – Day 1 Completed

Matthew 6:16-18 talks about fasting and keeping it to your self. I think about this and wonder, is it wrong for me to talk about my experience? I feel peace with it because I am not saying “Woes is me, I am fasting, I’m starving and wasting away”. I just want to share and maybe encourage.

I bought a juicer and had three glasses of fresh juice & about three liters of water. It was a tough day. I had pretty much decided last night that I would be eating today. I resigned myself to the fact that this was way harder then I expected. I told myself this was just a practice run. I will try again next week or next month.

When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good, Kevin and I took a nice long walk and decided to persevere. Right now one day doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like if I quit now I would be missing something, the experience wouldn’t be complete.

It’s a strange thing to deny the flesh especially when most decisions have been driven by fleshly desires. I have found in not eating that I am presented with this empty feeling not just in my belly but emotionally. I see with more clarity the abundance of distractions that I am presented with on a daily basis. I was given some good advice by my Aunt Donna, "don't be unaware of satan's tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11). When we can step back and recognize it as satan's attack, it helps us to name it and let it go, asking for protection and help from the LORD. Then we can focus again on the main thing.”

That has really helped me with those empty emotional periods because that is when I am so vulnerable to attack.

I’m not sure if I will make it all three days but I feel clearer and increasingly less broken

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:7-8

This is a good web site for fasting info: http://www.freedomyou.com/

Fasting

I will begin my first fast 11/23/07.

I plan to do a 3 day water fast, but I may throw in some juice. Kevin had planned to do it for himself so we have decided to do it together. NICE!

What I expect to get out of it:

Increased Self Control
A Detoxified Body
A Conversation with God

I know I’m expecting a lot, but that’s how I roll :)

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

While I was writing tonight after class, I realized I should stop and go to Kevin’s game. I forgot that it was Monday night. When I realized it, I wanted to turn and run. I was not comfortable.
I decided to talk to people so I didn’t feel like such an outsider. Then people started talking to me and I felt like I was a part of the “in-crowd”. Then I realized…….it was ALL so SILLY. Then I felt confident because of who I was and what I stood for. I’m home now and feel even better :)

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away!

I have a rule that every blog entry has to end in a verse. I have something that is either on my mind or comes to me while I’m blogging then I do a search on biblegateway.com
I scroll through and pick which ever verse seems appropriate.

On the 3rd in my blogging I felt very discouraged about my relationship with god and even expressed some anger.

On the 7th I didn’t know what to write and I just kept thinking…..I need to really trust God or I will never feel satisfied with our relationship. So I searched biblegateway for “trust” and the verse god gave me was Psalms 32:10.

On the 10th my discouraged feelings were still there and getting worse, turning into anxiety. But I still didn’t give in trust God. I blogged again and when I searched biblegateway, this time it was for “mule” because I was being so stubborn. The verse God gave me was Psalms 32:9.

What the heck! I noticed that it was the verse right before the one in my last entry. Is God trying to tell me something?

Ok you’re not going to believe this, but I still pushed it off.

Last night I was so down, I checked out! I was supposed to go to my apologetic class and didn’t. I just didn’t want to interact with anyone. I kept feeling this nagging and decided I need to read the whole chapter of Psalms 32.

Holy Crap! It was God talking to ME, especially verses 3-5.

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah 6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. 7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah 8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. 9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. 10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. 11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

I’m definitely feeling better because I see now that what I have been feeling is “his hand HEAVY on me” and “my strength sapped”. I have a long way to go but I trust without doubt now. Now I’m starting to feel pride that I am In the middle of this spiritual battle because it means I am valuable. I’m grateful for all who have been and are praying for me.

I can be so hard headed. I think I'm gonna hang out it the Psalms for awhile.

The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic.
Psalm 29:4